we have a lot of planning to do, but i am SO excited to go!!
it was a great christmas and i'm excited to ring in the new year!
on Tuesday, November 24, 2009
today as i was walking across frozen, icy, good old byu campus, i realized what a blessing and wonder this semester has been. it has been such a unique and amazing time in my life, and i am just so grateful for the things i'm learning, the ways i've grown, the obvious presence of the lord's hand in my life and the real fun and joy i have experienced. it's still so random to me that i am here, and i still have no idea what the future holds, but you know what? life is good and god is aware of me. i still ache for the mission and am bewildered by the craze of the world, but you know what? i can use what i learned and my passion for the gospel in my life now, and i am blessed.
i can't believe how fast time has passed.
so let me list again what i like about life a few months later, just because i'm happy and want to validate and share that. here we go: i really like --
*the new family search website. it is so cool and has helped me completely in achieving my goal of becoming a genealogist this semester. check it out: new.familysearch.org
i had a goal to find a name of an ancestor to do all the work for in the temple by the end of the year. i thought it would be a big long process, but i got on the new family search site and started clicking around looking for people whose work has not been done. seriously within five minutes i found catharina lienhardt, born in switzerland in 1676. she had no duplicate records and she needed all her work done - baptism to sealing. it was such an incredible experience for me sitting in my little bedroom on the top story of our old house; i honestly felt navigated to that page by the spirit of god and the spirit of catharina. i really could feel her with me. i knew in that moment so perfectly that she wanted me to do her work. so much emotion welled inside of me and it was just a really neat experience. it was very real and very moving.
so, last week i took catharina to the draper temple and in four glorious hours i moved through the house of the lord performing ordinances on her behalf. i felt spine-tingling joy as i acted as her proxy to be baptized and confirmed, then exhilarated in initiatory and the endowment. i felt so close to her and to god. just like i was in a different world; like i was in heaven. it really all climaxed when i went to the sealing room and witnessed catharina be sealed to her husband by proxy. it all came together in that, the crowning ordinance of the gospel. i completely lost it and was so emotional. i just felt the reality of what happens in the temple and i know that our families really can be together forever. and this woman is part of my family! wow, it was just so cool, a gorgeous, glorious, defining, amazing experience in my life. i came out of the temple feeling like i was floating on a cloud. this is the real deal, dear reader, i know it is, because man oh man, i felt it.
i am grateful for the temple and for the new family search website.
*CHRISTMASTIME!!! I LOVE THIS TIME OF YEAR!!! we just got a huge load of snow and it has been so magical. last weekend we hosted an awesome party up at mom and dad's new house in park city and it was epic and so much fun. i love listening to 100.3, playing in the snow with the girls at work, our cutely decorated front room, christmas treats, and the spirit of the season. i also got to go to the first presidency christmas devotional at the conference center last sunday and it was wonderful in every way and really placed my heart in the true spirit of christmas. I LOVE CHRISTMAS! i have been reflecting on last year in england; it was the best christmas of my life. oh, man, i really miss the mission sometimes. this is what i looked like last christmas morning:
*speaking of christmas, another thing i like about my life in this very moment is the tickling anticipation of being with family (especially nieces and nephews)for the holidays. i am so grateful for my family.
a few weeks ago i had such a fun time down in arizona with shawni's kids. i got to take care of them for five days while shawni and dave were in mexico and it was such a blast. i felt positively oozing with love for those nieces and nephew, i could hardly stand it. we had a great time, including dance parties, making lots of chocolate chews, an awesome trip to the state fair/rodeo, movie night at josh's school, and enjoying the beautiful weather. it was really great to get to hang out with josh as well. i loved every second of my time with him and the pothiers, even though it was quite exhausting to play mom :) when shawni got back, we went and saw "new moon" together, which was really the icing on the cake of a wonderful week in balmy az.
*church service. i love my calling in the relief society. a few days ago the presidency got to act like elves and bring around christmas presents to all the girls in our relief society. it was so, so freezing and so, so much fun. something about knocking on doors in the freezing cold really brought me back to the mission - and goodness knows i love any reminiscing of the mission. i feel so blessed to have the gospel and the church in my life and to be able to serve in the ward, although i always wish i could do more. i feel close to the saviour in a unique way at this time in my life. i know he is helping me every day. i love jesus christ so sweetly.
*my class ... has continued to be such an uplifting and enlightening force in my little provo life. we had our last class on tuesday, and i loved every second of it. i have learned so much over the course of the semester. it has broadened my views and ideas and strengthened my testimony of a lot of different things that i haven't thought much about until recently. that class really changed my life. now i have to study for the final - eek!!
*my job. i like it so much. i am learning so so much - about myself and so many other things. i am growing to love the girls so, so dearly and have been having a lot of fun as well as meaningful conversations with them lately as i've gotten to know them on a deeper level. i am so incredibly grateful for my job. it was the most perfect fit for this time in my life. i knew deep in me during the tumultuous days of the job search right when i got home that one day i would say that things really worked out for the best and now i can say that so confidently.
yesterday we had equine therapy with the girls - where they ride the horses. not all the girls ride so i got to sit in the barn with them. when we came outside, all the world was a glow - gorgeous snow everywhere and perfect descending sunset light all around. i felt like screaming with joy - one of those moments. i looked at these girls in that glimmering light and felt profound care for them - the kind of love i felt for investigators - a similar brand. it was exquisitely beautiful and this all sounds cheesy and trite but it was wonderful. i love my job, i really do, and i'm just so thankful for it and all i'm learning because i've really had to step out of my comfort zone. i love that. hard is good.
*a certain wonderful boy who makes me feel giddy and happy and lovely feelings i've never felt before.
*fantastic, fabulous roommates who will do fun things with me and talk to me and jump up and down and scream with me. i love this house, i love coming home, i love the random things we do, and i feel so blessed for this living situation. and other friends that are so dear and beloved and that i am seriously so grateful for, it makes my heart hurt with swelling right now.
*being relatively close to mum and dad and being able to hang out with them. awesome thanksgiving time at baliwood/bcranc.
*anticipation of going to INDIA!!! we have SO much to do to get ready and fund-raise, but we bought our airplane tickets and i am so so so so so excited!!!
well, i could keep going, but i have a lot to do today and i'm still in my pajamas! i love life, i feel so grateful, i can't believe how fast time is moving, i'm scared of the future, but i'm just happy to be alive and in the here and now - for now.
HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO EVERYONE!!! hooooooooray!
on Monday, November 2, 2009
life is beautiful! isn't it great to be alive??
i feel so content about life right now, and this really seems like a new sensation. i just feel at peace and like i have this whole new outlook on life, competition and unneeded stress or worry eliminated. i feel so much more laid back about life than i ever did before the mission. i'm not sure how this happened, but i feel happy. i don't want to get too comfortable, but i am just enjoying every day and basking in all the blessings and beauties around me.
i feel like i am, in good part, taking the advice of my mission president, who said that i needed to slow down when i got home. i've been going full-speed on so many intense things for the last five years and now it's time to just breathe and figure out what god wants me to do with my life and how to best broaden and contribute. it feels real good to let my guard down a bit, but i also need to be careful, like i said, to not get too comfortable. the future is daunting and foreboding but lately i just feel like: "wahoo the world is my oyster and i kind of like the glorious unknown!" i know there is good ahead, i know i need to put effort into finding it, but also i just like life right now and i want to live it.
so this is an update on my adventures since moving down to provo, which finally feels so right. part of this paradigm shift i've been attempting to explain is a complete revolution in thinking about pictures. i don't worry about them anymore (anyone who knows me realizes this is big...)and it's such an interesting change of mindset. it feels good to just enjoy and not stress about documentation and i'm learning to find a balance. so, all these pictures i got from dani and i'll try to fill in the other stuff that i just didn't worry about snapping a picture of! :)
i have been getting to the temple every single week since i got home, and i have absolutely loved it. we are so blessed here to be close to so many temples and it has been fun to temple-hop. this is me and my beloved friends at the manti temple. the old man who took this picture has never handled a camera in his life, i'm pretty sure...gotta love it - sorry you can't really see the temple. but the manti temple is absolutely incredible!!! i loved it so much; it was one of my favourite sessions of all time. i have just loved being in the house of the lord with friends and family and by myself. it was a huge refuge for me right when i got back because it felt like the only place that felt like the mission - where i knew i was just where god wanted me to be. i love the temple.
the same day as the manti trip, we went to the hare krishna temple in spanish fork for "india fest." it was so so so neat, and it got sara, dani and i super excited about going to india in february. they even had fireworks at the end!
i have loved spending time in the canyon. here you see our sweet bike ride up provo canyon trail (i am so bad on a bike that i can't turn around for a picture...) and our truck adventure on the alpine loop. so much fun, and so so great to be in the mountains. when i am up there i just feel like exclaiming "and you're telling me there's not a god???" and "god is a genius!!" (in the words of one of the girls at work).
oh, and here is one more of us in the mountains! and i actually took this one myself! jane, sara and i had an adventure up american fork canyon and it was so so stinking beautiful! the serenity and prettiness of it all kind of got interrupted by dear hunters, but still! :)
we got to go to conference right at the conference centre and it was wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. you come to appreciate conference so much as a missionary (it is like christmas!!). and being on temple square - people in the mission field would give an arm and leg to be there! it was so neat to be in that amazing room with thousands of good people listening to a living prophet. when we take the time to think about that we realize how extraordinary it really is! ah! it was wonderful!
a couple weekends ago, sara and dani and i took a quick trip down to kolob. it was divine!! we had such a fun time hiking, at the new harmony apple festival, seeing aida at tuachan, pillow fighting, roadtripping, and stopping by cedar canyon and cedar breaks on the way home. the weather was perfect and it was just wonderful in every way. i felt so alive and bubbly in these magnificently beautiful places.
and then, of course, there was halloween!
we went to odyssey dance theater's "thriller" at the covey centre here in provo and it was awesome. then we had a big halloween party here at our house (i was tinkerbell, as you can see) and on halloween day itself we had a jerusalem reunion/crepe party, then carved pumpkins on our front lawn, and party hopped at night (i was a witch, a very sparkly witch, as you can see).
here's one last picture - another one i took myself! :) it was my beloved friend catherine's birthday a couple days ago and it was so fun to spend time with some of my very best friends in the world. i love these people!!
we've been having bonfires on our back porch and enrichment parties at our house, i have taken a trip up to logan to see grandma and i've found my new favourite spot on the roof of our house which i can climb out to on gloriously sunny days like the last few. i loved celebrating dad's birthday by just watching the world series and the jazz game at snowy baliwood, work has been still challenging and still wonderful, i loved studying for and got a 94 on my religion exam (yeah!) and have been able to reunite and spend time with lots of people that i love so very dearly. the leaves are vibrant and exhilarating and i love riding my bike around the neighborhood, it is fun to giggle and cuddle with my awesome roommates, and there is so much good ahead!
life is so beautiful! isn't it so great to be alive?!?!
on Saturday, October 17, 2009
so the other day i drove up to salt lake to move the rest of my stuff out of my childhood home, and on the 15th my parents handed over the keys to renters. right now some strangers are waking up in 1098 augusta way (affectionately known as j.b. mopeltel) and they have absolutely no idea, and never could, what they are dealing with.
every inch, every corner, every crack of that house is soaking with memories and the air is different inside that place than anywhere else in the world. it is mixed with millions of sacred moments; expressions of testimony and love, sighs of relief and frustration, gasps for breath from emotional times, wiffs of special scents from christmas or family recipes or fires in the living room, and dribbled with wafting sounds of laughter and tears. thirty-five years, nine kids: indeed, millions of memories. i wonder if the renters feel a buzz in the air? can they sometimes catch a glimpse of the joy and growth and love seeping out of the corners?
today i want to offer a tribute to the house, to HOME. i could never offer a discourse lengthy or eloquent enough, but for now i feel it would be therapeutic to remember and write and capture and record what that sacred place means to me. let's start with the front door.
it was hand carved by my dad: a big tree on top and the letters e-y-r-e on bottom. i wonder if that perplexes the renters? maybe along with the cement slab on the front walkway with everyone's handprints eternally captured in it? the door has two knockers on it fashioned like lion's heads; a big one on top and a little one on the bottom. even just that doorstep carries lots of memories: countless asks and answers for high school dances, thousands of trick-or-treaters, many awkward date drop-offs, surprise visitors, returned missionaries and college graduates, and just all the comings and goings. walk in the front door and there's the ancestor wall, riddled with framed photos of our forefathers. it was there that i stood every first day of school but one and smiled for the camera and i bet the ancestors behind me flashed a little grin from time to time too. and in that little alcove by the front door was where we would gather to pray before someone left. "HUDDLE!" my dad would holler and usually after some huffing and puffing we would come together, throw our arms around each other in a circle and offer thanks and petitions to heavenly father. he watched over that house through the years, he sure did. thousands upon thousands of prayers ascending heavenward from within those walls.
the most sacred place in the house is the living room with the musical instrument wall, grand piano, china hutch, grandfather clock, family portrait, and floral couch. in that holy place hundreds of priesthood blessings were administered for birthdays, new school years, new adventures, and the setting-apart of 9 missionaries. we would all gather there in the early mornings for scripture study before school, groggy and hazy. when mom and dad would leave on a trip, we would all sit close to each other so dad could touch all of us at the same time and give us a blessing of safety and comfort. and every fast sunday we gathered in that room and shared with each other our feelings about the gospel, our saviour, and each other. then we'd all kneel around the coffee table - i can still feel it's ridges on my forearms when folded - and pray to god. by then we were eager to eat, and now i wish i would have savored those kneeling moments a bit more. i can't fathom that the renters could walk into that room and not feel something a little special, for there so many tender words were offered, so much exquisite feeling of the spirit was felt, truth was confirmed to eleven hearts over and over, and the deepest of love was expressed and embraced. that love and testimony has to have gone at least an inch deep into the wood floorboards and marble mantle and glass sliding doors leading to the balcony.
i remember lots of nights at home when someone would holler "look at the sunset!" and we'd all race into that sacred living room and marvel together at the gorgeous handiwork of god. we recognized them as little messages from a loving heavenly father, just small reminders that he loves us. from the balcony we could see the city and the valley and the mountains glimmer in the last rays of light. during the olympics in salt lake i remember oohing at the fireworks every night. i loved that from my house i could always see the temple.
that sacred living room was also the main location for christmas festivities and traditions. the day after thanksgiving we picked out the trees and brought the big one into the living room and consequently spent hours and hours placing lights and ornaments: apples, sand dollars, santas, trumpets and horns, ornaments from all over the world, red and green ribbons...and after all those hours, the angel on top. for 30 days or so that tree would sparkle in that sacred room, smelling of christmas joy and getting us full of the spirit of the season. on christmas eve we reenacted the christmas story in the living room, crammed in there together and then sang "away in a manger" and "in a little stable." christmas morning we lined up outside that room, dad having put a sheet over the opening so we couldn't peek, and youngest to oldest we'd enter and gasp at the glory of it all glimmering in christmas morning light. so many presents given and received, hugs and surprises and glee. maybe the renters can hear christmas music (manheim steamroller or the eddie bauer mix) playing really faint from time to time, or catch a wiff of the tree? i wonder.
or maybe they can catch the sound of the prophets' voices wafting through the air...i remember every general conference the old, old stereo in the living room blasting the words of prophets and apostles along with every tv in the house on full blast. i loved it when mom would put on pretty classical music and it would ring in our ears as we came home from school. in that sacred living room we also had the dining table, where we'd have fancy meals on that green china. and when each sibling found their one and only, we'd have send-off parties there the night before the wedding. so many tributes to beloved brothers and sisters, laughs, and music of course. i guess it was in that room that i really came to appreciate and love the magic of music and i spent so many hours there practicing the violin, the piano and finally the flute. we'd play together sometimes or sing carols. all those beautiful sounds reverberating off the walls.
my room was down the hall from the sacred living room - it used to be noah's, and josh's before that - back when i lived in the "cloud room" or downstairs. i remember when i moved upstairs again and mom offered to help me remodel a little. it was such an adventure making my room just how i wanted it, and it remained quite junior high-ish until that fateful day this week when i left it sparce and bare. i spent so many late nights in that room, finding myself in a way. i would stay up and read old journals or scrapbooks or letters and be filled with nostalgia and desire to live passionately. i think back on so many nights crying myself to sleep from some devastating adolescent problem or a fight. and so many mornings waking up to the soft light streaming in through those white shutters and the sound of the quakie aspens tinkling in the canyon breeze. over my bed hung big gold letters - D-R-E-A-M. so many dreams were formulated there in that room.
and down the hall was mom and dad's room. when i got scared at night as a little girl, this was the place to go and find instant comfort. i can distinctly remember the night i went into climb into bed with mom and dad after having a bad dream and they declared that i was too old for that. and my trips to that room turned into quiet greetings in the dark letting my parents know i was home just in time for curfew. i learned over the years exactly how the floorboards in that hall sounded when someone was walking by my bedroom door. i always knew if it was mom or dad and they'd stop by, crack the door, tell me to stop reading and go to bed and tell me they loved me. i wonder if it creaks differently under those renter's feet? and if they even notice what a loving and wonderful sound it is?
and while we're upstairs, how about all the memories in the kitchen? when i think of that room, i think of crowded, stuffed full of people and good times. there we made countless batches of cookies, laid out food for hundreds of family gatherings, and ate dinner together as a family nearly every night. it was around the table in that room that we played games like giving one-minute speeches on a topic of dad's choice or deciding together what was similar between two very dissimilar things. there we shared what we learned in church and school and had discussions of every kind over all the years. what do the renters talk about around that table, i wonder? i bet it is easier for the two of them to get into a good dinner conversation that it was for all of us. if i close my eyes and think of that place i can just see dad at the head of the table, chaos all around him, with his elbows on the table, forearms up and thumb and middle finger together like a buddhist monk. "ommmmmmmmm," he would say, trying to get us to simmer down and be quiet. some joined in, some got annoyed, and mom hollered that she'd be there as soon as she could, she was just getting the rolls out of the oven. there are so many more memories in that beloved kitchen!
besides the table, the focal point of the kitchen was the fighting bench against the south wall. i spent a lot of time on that hard bench, summoning up the humility to say sorry to my brother for a fight i was thoroughly convinced was completely 100% his fault. there on that little bench in that little kitchen thousands of apologies were offered, most were accepted, and hugs were given - usually quick and for the sole purpose of obtaining a ticket off the fighting bench - but it's tender to me just the same. i guess those walls contain a lot of bickering and yelling and cutting words, but more sweet apologies and reconciliations and realizations of love, appreciation, adoration and care.
let's move downstairs. the renters could never imagine all that went down in that basement. i think of slumber parties, birthday parties, hanging out with friends and dad coming down and asking us to be quiet, fires in the old stove, and watching movies. i had some awesome times with friends over the years in that basement. for some reason or another, our house was always where my friends and i ended up and i found real friendship there from preschool to just last week when my two great friends from high school came for one last sleepover. i remember seeing my siblings' friends there, crushes that developed there, movies that were made there, dares that were performed there, and so much more. downstairs was the beloved laundry room with the funny circus wallpaper and nine individual units where we kept all our stuff, and the yellow folding table. now that i'm thinking about it i realize that one of the most forlorn moments that i had while helping mom and dad move out was when i opened the costume drawers in the downstairs hall and they were empty. my friends and family and i had such a blast with all the random stuff we kept stuffed in those drawers. probably something much more sensible lives in them now.
oh man, i feel like there is so much more i could write...the outside of the house holds a million memories too, like hot-tubbing in the dead of winter surrounded in snow, basketball tournaments in the back yard, dogs and cats and puppies. and laying on the front lawn was where i received the most direct and obvious answer to prayer ever in my life. god told me to go to wellesley under those quakie aspens and it was the most supernal peace i've ever experienced. oh, and speaking of those trees in the front yard, they had to have been toilet-papered at least one hundred times. it brings a smile to my face to remember waking up, looking outside, wondering if it had snowed and realizing that it was just TP. dad would get so angry and we'd spent lots of time unraveling it from the trees.
so many memories. what a sacred, sepcial, wonderful place, nestled in the east mountains of salt lake city, stuffed to the brim and overflowing with tradition, experience, growing up, and love. to me, that place, good old 1098 augusta way, will always be home and no matter who is living in it, it will always be mine. my heart is there and will never leave.
leaving that house behind means a lot more to me than just the house, and it has been a traumatic experience saying goodbye.
i love that place. it is holy ground.
mom, dad and i went to the house right before i left to come back to provo and knelt in the living room and offered a prayer to heavenly father, thanking him for all the memories and all the joys and all the growth there. we asked god to watch over and always protect that sacred place. i know he will.
sorry this is so long. we've only scratched the surface.
on Tuesday, October 6, 2009
i am chuffed to report that i now remember what it feels like to be happy! i know that sounds really dramatic, but seriously, those first few weeks home from the mission were pretty hellish. i feel like i finally have my feet under me and that i'm passionate about life again, and on top of that, i have the incredible mission experience as a part of the fabric of my soul now. i am trying to live what i learned and be the person i became those 18 months of refiner's fire.
so to help validate that i like my life, i would like to share a list of all the reasons why. hopefully, dear cyberspace reader, they'll bring a smile to your face and help you to think about the reasons you like your life, too!
1. i always have an excuse for being awkward. this is awesome, and i need to milk it for what it's worth while i can. in any situation if i feel like i was being less than delightfully confident and congenial, i can just explain that i just got home from the mission. without fail those around me give me a "bless your heart" look and i'm totally off the hook. i'm thinking i can use this for at least 6 months.
2. the mountains. the other day some friends and i jumped in the back of dani's truck and drove up the alpine loop. i felt so alive and exhilarated, and the scenery whipping by was gorgeous!! i love the mountains so much, and i don't know how i lived without them for 18 months (by the grace of god) and can't fathom how people live without them a whole lifetime! the other day i was riding my bike to campus (we'll get to the bike next) and i got a very distinct wiff of mountain autumn in my nostrils. it was glorious! i love provo's mountains because they are so in your face! everyday they change in color and texture and i love watching it happen!
3. okay, next, my bike. i bought it from my roommate for 25 bones and it is a gem! it makes me feel so happy and bubbly inside every time i lay eyes on it. it is a beautiful slate blue, super vintage and quite beat up, the handle bars are at the most perfect angle and ... (drum roll) the seat is sparkly. seriously? it's the coolest thing ever and i absolutely adore riding it around! backtracking a little, we took bikes up provo canyon the other day and it was stunning and so stinking fun to ride (the "so stinking fun" bit is mostly attributed to the downhill part, but still).
4. my class at byu. survey of world religions. may be my favourite class of all time. i am astounded when it is over because 1) my life just changed in 2 hours and 2) i can't believe how quickly time passed! it is fascinating, enthralling, enchanting, captivating, and spiritually uplifting - ever proving the complete truthfulness of the restored gospel and the innate goodness of humankind. i love it, and i'm learning so much that is particularly poignant having just returned from the mission and looking forward to going to india in january. and, the class gets me on campus, which is just so delightfully amusing to me. i could people watch on byu campus for hours on end. i love that everyone wears byu paraphernalia, that you catch snippets of conversation about dating, the book of mormon, missions and ward activities, that the bells play "if you could hie to kolob" while i cross campus... and it's all just very amusing to me.
5. pizza bagels and byu creamery chocolate milk from the twilight zone at the wilkinson center. sneaking it into the library and eating/drinking it on the 2nd floor periodicals section where there is loads of natural light and it's very quiet.
6. flipping awesome roommates. i live with some of the coolest girls out there. sara and i joke that if everything else in our lives is going bad, at least our roommate plays the ukulele and we can be happy about that. it's not really a joke, actually. hmm. i love that at home i can have good deep conversations with dearest of friends, that my roommate is a painter and has a giggle that lights up the world, that i came home yesterday and the living room was covered in fake cobwebs for halloween, that there are always eclectic friends-of-my-roommates around, and that i just am surrounded in good quality people when i sleep at night! :) our house is awesome. hugh b. brown used to live here! it's nice and spacious, vintagey and fun, and a great gathering place. a few weeks ago we had a very successful housewarming party with loads of homemade salsa. neat!
7. being scared every time i go into work. i love that my job is challenging and gets me out of my comfort zone every single time. to be honest there are some things that are not ideal about the job, and i wish i was getting more hours, but for the most part i am loving it because i am learning so much and really stretching myself. it's fun to have people to work with that are kind of like investigators; i loved the girls at new haven the minute i met them but i'm adoring coming to really love them for who they are as i get to know them. work is sometimes boring but most of the time i come home with a great story. the other day i got trained on how to restrain people who are trying to beat me up. so watch out.
8. i am re-learning how to take joy in simple pleasures, especially the worthy ones i missed while i was in england. they are all around, and life is just beautiful.
9. it's pretty crisp autumn, and i'm just heading out to southern utah for the weekend. we are hie-ing to kolob!
well, that's the list for today. i am constantly reminded how blessed i am, and even though the future seems sooo uncertain and daunting, it's as bright as my faith.
cheerio!
on Monday, September 21, 2009
a question i've heard a thousand times since my return to the "real world" is, "how was the mission?"
my answer is usually a flabergasted expression, fire in my eyes, a deep breath and - "it was so great. i loved every second." and i feel so incredibly trite, awkwardly unrepresentative, almost dishonest, completely unable to give even a sliver of appropriate passion in the response. suddenly, the conversation has moved on and i feel defeated.
oh my goodness, how was the mission?? it exceeded my wildest dreams and keenest expectations a million fold, on both the hard and the fantastic ends. i could have never imagined how incredible it was; i could have never dreamed up how significant and wonderful and thrilling and heart wrenching and joyful and gutting and celestial it became. i LOVED the mission. i loved every second.
who knew i had such depth of emotion, such an broad ability to love, such a overflowing adoration for the truth and such endurance to endure? i had no idea, and i realize more and more every day what miracles god made within me in those blessed 18 months. really, it had nothing to do with me. i was willing and sincerely attempting to be sincere and god used me. he worked through me. and i saw miracles within and without, every day. that god would use me, even me, as his instrument to touch lives and to change bits of the world astounds me. i feel so blessed and grateful and passionate about the mission. i shudder to think that i even considered missing it for a second. i could have never known how great it was but i took that leap of faith and every day for eternity i will be immensely grateful for that.
as a missionary i felt the spirit rush through me literally every day. i could feel it in my veins and coming out my face and my eyes and my mouth and my fingers. i felt the truth like fire in my bones when it was accepted and when it was rejected. i felt angels around me, no doubt about it, and i felt like an angel myself so often. i came to love and adore people in such a pure and beautiful way and when that love was reciprocated, life felt like heaven. i was happy as a missionary in a way that i've never been before and never will be again. i remember one morning toward the end walking past a full-length mirror in our flat and catching a glimpse of my reflection as i walked to the study room for personal study. there i was, a missionary, what i had always dreamed of being, in my frumpy missionary clothes, battered and exhausted on every end. i did a little dance in front of the mirror that morning. my heart was bursting with joy and i couldn't keep it in. just a little joyful gig and into a hour of peaceful enlightening study across the table from my companion.
what an incredible experience it is to be a representative of the saviour jesus christ. this representation took many forms, whether it was making friends with the homeless people on oxford road or just smiling at all the strangers that passed by me on the high street on a p-day or telling bus drivers and ladies at the till that god loves them or unfolding the secrets of life to those who have been eagerly searching and prepared by god himself. there were sweet times when i opened my mouth and out came something i did NOT concoct and i literally felt like a mouthpiece; a mortal, physical vehicle through which god could tell his children what he wanted he wanted them to know. one day on the high street i met a girl named leigh, who broke down in tears as we started teaching her of god's complete love for her. we testified to her that god answers every prayer, in his own way and in his own time. she said her dad had died, and for years all she prayed for was for someone to tell her everything is going to be okay. my heart beating so fast i looked her deep in the eyes, down to her soul and said, "leigh, everything is going to be okay." i felt like an angel, and i was to leigh that day. countless times i was led by an unseen glorious power to people or places or things or ideas. i remember so many nights sitting in new friends' homes or flats, the spirit buzzing all around us and making my every nerve ending tingle, as they made a commitment or a decision or found an answer or shared their new testimony.
i met and taught people from every walk of life and from all over the world. there were plenty of crazies (the funny stories could make a whole book), lots of cruel hardened people, the humblest of the humble and the haughtiest of the proud. i entered the homes of people with astonishingly diverse ideas, cultures, values, opinions and cares. i mingled with the distraught and boldly testified to the confident. i recounted joseph smith's description of the first vision literally thousands of times and a chill would run down my spine or my face would burn or my heart would glow or just twitter; i said "god loves you" millions of times to all these different, different people and every single time i knew it was true, no matter who they were. all of these different people, all of them, so varied, were or will be blessed by the restored gospel of jesus christ. that's the amazing part. no matter who they are - the gospel is true, and god does love them. i told countless muslims that i know jesus christ is more than a prophet but the very son of god; i challenged many atheists to just pray and find out if god was listening; i poured my heart out to many christians, displaying my conviction that the priesthood power that christ gave his apostles was indeed gone and has indeed been restored. i met so many diverse people, and i loved them all, even the ones who yelled at us and cursed us and demeaned us in every single way. i loved them so much despite it all or because of it all.
i saw people's lives change. dramatically. i compared the original person i met maybe one night knocking on doors under an umbrella in the rain to a new glowing creature at a baptismal service. they changed! everything changed - the way they looked, the way they talked and acted, the way they felt, the way they looked at the world around them. it was such a miracle to watch. sometimes it was more gradual than other times. i remember many lessons realizing that people were changing right before my eyes. the most exquisite feelings came when i heard these new beloved friends pray for the very first time to their newfound heavenly father. they were almost always nervous and their prayers were always perfect in every way. amber, a beautiful young mother from china said her first prayer in our presence: "heavenly father. sister pedersen and sister eyre have come to teach me today that you are true. i believe it. in the name of jesus christ, amen." we would open our eyes as we all knelt together in that dim room in flats and houses all over the south of england and look into each others' eyes and feel really special about what just happened.
this all seems so trite, and the superlatives of the english language so incapable of description. suffice it to say, in so many magical, perfect, sparkly moments as a missionary i felt floating above the earth; i felt joy and peace and love and wonder that i could have never imagined existed. it was magic, and the very best kind. real magic, from heaven.
and you know what made it so fantastically wonderfully spectacularly exquisitely great? the fact that it was so stinking hard. excruciatingly hard. the fact that every magical moment was matched or temporarily superseded by some horrible, cruel, gutting moment. as much as i couldn't have imagined how beautiful the mission would be, there is no way i could have imagined how brutal and grueling it was. there were so many times when i literally thought i was loosing my mind, or i literally felt like my heart had been ripped out and stomped on. disappointment beyond what i had ever touched on before came to me in floods and in torrents. i was so insanely tired so much of those 18 months; every part of me in every facet was exhausted to the core. i felt alone, scared, defeated, tempted, disoriented, beat up, and sorrowful. and isn't that so so great?! this was my favourite part of the mission: it was HARD! i was in the refiner's fire, i was a rough stone rolling, and i absolutely adored it! all the pain made the joy so much better. the contrast was so deep that i felt so thrilled and alive and vibrant. the paradoxes made every second interesting and fascinating and wonderful and amazing. i felt consistently hollowed out my heartache and my heart was stretched to feel more love. even after being let down over and over and over, i still found faith in people and love for the work. to me, this is another proof that it is indeed the work of god. people often challenged us on the streets or at the door: we were there because our parents told us to or because we had been brainwashed. several times i cried through impassioned eyes as i told these beloved people of the unpaid, unglamorous and often temporally unrewarded hardship we endured everyday. i gushed with emotion as i explained to them the sacrifice and the real rewards. "there is no way, no no way, i would do this," i told them, "if it was not truly the work of god." and so it is.
before i left on the mission, i viewed the things i was leaving behind as ginormous sacrifices. i was stunned by what i was giving up; it seemed so huge. about a quarter of the way through i realized how incredibly tiny these sacrifices were when compared to the blessings of serving the lord full-time. they were so very minuscule, and were paid for a thousand, even a million fold in those magical moments and in those horridly difficult moments. never could anything be more worth it. i would have given it all up willingly, beggingly, just to experience things like: hearing deben, our beloved nepalese hindu friend pray hushed and careful to heavenly father; seeing delightfully eclectic colin smile for a solid, beaming ten seconds out at the congregation as he came out of the waters of baptism; crying with the atkins family as we discussed the reality of being with their daughter (who died of leukemia just weeks earlier at age 8) again and forever; listening to terry say he found what he felt was missing in his life for years; witnessing overworked and poverty-stricken george from china stand up from his confirmation and immediately hand his tithing to the bishop; watching the ruffels family get enthused on every hand about the gospel; drowning tammy's cigarettes and gleefully listening to her describe that she felt the spirit in little "moments"; hearing richard beautifully present his testimony at his own baptism service; helping dani sort out all her unchaste things to bring to the charity shop across the road; seeing dianne absolutely blossom right before our eyes and come out of a dark tunnel she had been in for decades; and watching smiles or tears come out on the faces of strangers as the felt the spirit in connection with our message. yes, i would give up anything over and over again for these supernal experiences.
well i think you all get the point: i loved the mission. i will forever be passionately grateful that it was right for me. and that badge i wore for 18 months is emblazoned on my heart.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)