things i like about my life right now (part 3)

for the very first time in the 6.5 months since i took the leap to san fran, this week i have questioned if this is the right place for me and if i am going to stay for much longer. it's always been obvious to me that i belong in san francisco, and i have felt definite and sweet spiritual confirmations of my belonging over and over. so, i'm a little confused as i consider other options. in reflecting whether or not my time here may be shorter than i thought, i decided that i need another "things i like about my life right now" list. (here's part one and part two)

-i wake up to this view (you can't really tell how awesome it is, but i let out a blithe sigh whenever i see it first thing in the morning - yes, that's the ocean):

-coral and teal sunsets and and full moons or a canopy of stars out the same window (that cannot be captured with a camera, no matter how hard i try)

-my house is pretty and it feels like home, and my roommates are so good to me and for me.

-going to dance classes at a studio downtown. it had been more than three years since i took a class, and it feels so wonderful - so so so wonderful - to move like that again, to feel inside of my body again in such a beautiful way. also, it is fun to watch and interact with the kind of characters that an inner-city dance center attracts.

-i eat family style at san fran's best restaurants with these stellar girls:

-sunday dinners with different random groups of cool people.

-life feels real hard right now in a lot of ways, and i like hard things - they make me better.

-everyday is a sort of adventure, and sometimes the unknown is exciting. i long for routine and stability, but i am embracing flexibility and ample room for serendipity.

-when i drive over the hill on 19th ave (everyday) the golden gate bridge peaks out and says hello.

-i adore my book club (and made them a wicked good trifle):

-i get emails like this (from my awesome brother) that help me also embrace singlehood:

here are the lines from george strait's "blue clear sky":

ain't love a funny thing, one day you're giving up the dream, and then next you're picking out a ring. out of the blue clear sky; falling right into your hands, like rain on a desert sand, it's the last thing you had planned, then out of the blue clear sky; here [he] comes a walking a talking true love, saying i've been looking for you love, surprise, your true love has arrived, out of the blue clear sky!

great talking with you tonight. i really can see it happening for you, but it will be in the lord's time. keep being that great charity because you can do things now that you won't be able to do when you find your true love.

love, tal

-i get to watch and be a small part of the process of people being converted - our ward has seen several baptisms lately. it has been amazingly sweet welcoming new members to the blessings of the gospel.

-spring comes early in san francisco. blossoms, magnolia trees, flowers.

-the oakland temple is a (beautiful) 25 minute drive away. i like the drive. i love the temple.

-cupboards full of free kids snacks when i babysit.

-doing neat art projects when i babysit. i seriously love it.

 

-occasionally, things are really slow at "work" and i get paid really well to read a book.

-chinatown. we went to the chinese new year festival and parade. it was cold and raining. i loved it. i felt like i was in china. my life is full of adventures like this:

-being able to hop over the ggb for a sunny, brilliant saturday at tennessee beach

-my life is a roller-coaster of highs and lows. which means, technically, my life is a thrill.

valentine's day in the u.s.a.

i love valentine's day because i love love.

it is true what edmund says in the most recent film rendition of jane austen's "mansfield park": "there are as many forms of love as there are moments in time." i love each person that i love with a unique love, and i so love every one of those brands of love! i love celebrating all that love on valentine's day.

i realized this february the 14th that this was my first v-day spent in america in 5 years!

valentine's day 2007: jerusalem, israel

putting on quite a celebration with the in-center activities committee - finding valentines on our doorsteps in the morning - surprising the boys and singing a special rendition of the mango song to them during class - an epic dance party with friends that had become like a family - one of the top 5 sunsets of my life from the jerusalem center balcony

valentine's day 2008: basingstoke, england

heart-shaped pancakes for breakfast with my trainer (my first week in the mission field) - discovering the "pride and prejudice" themed street names in basingstoke - handing out pez from a valentine's pez dispenser to people we stopped on the street - feeling the love of the gospel, and seeing a few miracles along the way - a "late night" candlelit party with treats and schloer

valentine's day 2009: reading, england

decorating around my companion's bed so she would wake up to a "heart attack" (it was also her birthday!) - wearing all pink and red and enjoying a sunny day being missionaries in reading - knocking on doors and telling people god loves them - grabbing a shake during lunch - round 2 of breaking out the candles/treats/shloer after planning

valentine's day 2010: thottanaval , india

getting wrapped in saris and enduring the extremely bumpy 2-hour bus ride to church in chennai - singing love songs to the kids with the uke - putting hearts up on the walls in the children's hostel - eating dinner on the roof at sunset - falling even more in love with the kids at rising star

valentine's day 2011: san francisco, california, u.s.a.

calling and texting loved ones - attending the annual san francisco city-wide pillow fight (yes! hundreds of people, flying feathers, whacks to the head from strangers ... it was so exhilarating!! and a great way to release some angst about being single!) - dinner with josephine - meeting up with ellen and swaying to folksy music at a red, cozy venue in the castro - loving san fran

“whenever i get gloomy with the state of the world, i think about the arrivals gate at the airport. general opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but i don't see that. it seems to me that love is everywhere. often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. if you look for it, i've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around.”

the ‘rents do san fran

last week my parents came to town for 24 hours. i loved spending a glorious day in san francisco with mum and dad. look at those cuties. seriously, my parents are so cool. i don’t know anyone else who would both qualify for the senior discount on the ferry and enthusiastically rent bikes to cruise through the park. and after they left me they road-tripped down the coast to orange county. i’m forever grateful they passed on that never-miss-an-adventure thing to me.

i was so excited to finally share my san francisco with linda and rick. we had perfect weather. and i think they came to understand a little of why i adore this place so much. after we dropped their bags off at my house, we drove downtown right as the lowering sun gleamed and bathed the hills in warmth and dad said, “i feel like i am in a dream.” welcome to the wonder of the city i love!

i took mum and dad to all my favourite spots and toured them around the colorful neighborhoods of the city by the bay.

they were tickled by the sunny warm in early february!

and we were all three dripping with passion over the views from the sweet “adventure cruise” aboard the blue and gold fleet ferry. we went right under the golden gate bridge and around alcatraz and it was sublime. my cheeks ached.

i took them to the slice of heaven in my sf world – point bonita in the marin headlands. the world was glowing! it was great.

mum and dad slept on my couches and in the morning we picked up some bikes and whipped through golden gate park. we rode all the way to the beach and back!

yes, my parents are wicked awesome. and they think i am really awesome. so … in 24 hours: a huge self-esteem boost, fancy food i cannot afford, a few superb adventures, heaps of advice and validation, and many authentic laughs (combined with the usual but somehow so endearing clashes) – i’d say that’s a pretty fantastic day.

vignettes from india

charity's journal: 9 march 2010, china air flight 005 taipei --> lax -

"and here we are, dear reader, on the last page of the journal. i feel a great need to sum up this experience but also a great inability. nothing could compare me for india and nothing can adequately describe it. the rich, colorful, crazy intensity of it all plus a truly life-changing experience that was surprising in many wonderful ways have combined to leave me stunned and enchanted and new in some aspects. i see the world differently now. my perspective has been expanded and enlivened and ennobled and excited and enthralled. i hope i can retain the zeal i've developed for diversity, the strength of conviction that has come, the appreciation i feel for blessings, the new or reinforced ideas i've conjured up, the stunning and strangely gorgeous sights i've seen, the way all my senses have been pricked, and most of all, the increased size and brighter glow of my beating heart."

last year now, i was in india. there is no place like india. india changed me.

those six weeks were so intense. so much happened. i learned so much. i lived a dream.

for four of the weeks i spent on the subcontinent, i volunteered with an incredible organization called rising star outreach. i am super passionate about the way rising star is changing the world. anyone who has asked me about it knows that's true because i rave.

like india itself, my experience there was completely saturated, jammed chock-full, crowded - with sensory stings, color, emotion, and peculiar adventure. i feel like any expression of it would just be overflowing. all i have right now is three snapshots, three golden moments, to share as i look back on a time of life that was lush and wild and resonant.

one.

we helped the children at the rising star school with their english language and pronunciation skills. one thing my two friends and i really drilled with the kids was saying the names of the letters in the alphabet correctly. dani offered a simple handmade bracelet to any student who could recite from a-z without any mistakes, and before we knew it we all had lines of bobbling-headed children behind us eagerly punching out the alphabet for a prize. through this activity, these beautiful kids, who before rising star came along were destined to be beggars, learned the value of earning in some small but meaningful way.

i remember sitting on the concrete steps outside the children's hostel and listening to the children one by one yell the letters with all their hearts. i sent them to the back of the line when their pronunciation wasn't perfect. they begged, but alas, i sent them to the back of the line. with their loud, accented letters bouncing around in my head, i peered at them and in a flash realized that i needed to relish this time with these fantastic children.

as each child approached me, i held them close and looked deep into their brown, brown eyes. i could see my reflection in their pupils. my smile gleamed in that glossy mirror. a little window into their spirits opened up. and i felt that, even though we lived 100% different lives, we were knit, we were connected as members of the human family, and when it came down to it, we were the same.

the triumph that ensued, in some cases after many, many attempts, was delicious and glorious.

two.

early in our time with rising star, we visited a leprosy colony, and saw where the children we were to teach came from. before i left for india, i watched a documentary about the organization and learned a lot about the disease, and as i did i felt a bit sick and honestly wondered how i would deal with seeing this kind of deformity and suffering. the second i met the sweet, sweet patients, all of that immediately melted away. yes, i thought i might be repulsed and upset, but the absolute opposite happened, and i found myself incredibly endeared and delighted. i felt thrilled and connected.

one man came into the clinic who had absolutely no toes, no fingers, and no nose. the doctor explained to us that the disease had developed so far with this man that the roof of his mouth was gone and it was exceptionally hard for him to eat. he wore big dark glasses and we were told he could see almost nothing. he looked so sad. he filed through and then went and sat on the ground with his face toward a cement wall.

we realized and discussed in a hush that this man had only one sense left - only one out of the five senses that bring us so much joy in this life. and then we had an idea. dani grabbed her ukulele and we went and sat on the dusty ground behind the man's back. she started to play, and we sang "i am a child of god." slowly, slowly, our new friend turned around, following the sound of the music, until he faced us. and there we offered him a gift of sensory delight.

he didn't understand the words, but i'm pretty sure he got the message. we are all children of god.

three.

my very most favourite memory of the kids at rising star is the nights we spent singing them to sleep. after a long, hot day, we would go into their rooms and lullabye as a parting gift for the day.

i remember sitting on the hard, cold floor in the boys' bright blue room and the sound of my voice filling up the corners and the cracks. they all laid in a row on that hard, cold floor, side by side and gazed up at me droopy, weary, oh so sweetly.

"yes tonight belongs to you and i, when i say in the india way, i love you too..."

many of them drifted off before i left, and the remainder caught my eye as i walked away and said dreamily, "good night, auntie," "thank you auntie." my heart melted every time - i really always felt like i needed to mop it up as i walked home under the palm trees amidst all the hopping frogs.

last week my brother showed me his pictures from his recent trip to see those kids, and my spirit glowed with a familiar love and affection. i can't wait to go back.

if you are interested in volunteering this summer with rising star, please click here. doing so will change you and change the world.

v-day the awesome way

my bestest friend in middle school was an artsy girl named caitlin. in those awkward, teenybopper years, she made my life happy. we played the flute together, wrote each other immaculate notes during english class, and giggled over our crushes.

we grew up and cait ended up marrying her middle school crush, and i caught the bouquet at their wedding. together, they are one rad duo of art and music - she is a painter and he is a rockstar -- for real! i feel blessed that through the years caitlin and i have been able to maintain a sweet friendship. i look up to her a lot.

i love caitlin's art. and guess what?? for valentine's day, the artist is offering a sweet special on prints of the two paintings you see in this post. what a unique and superb gift for one you love.

maybe the coolest part is that caitlin is offering a "pay what you want" price for these stellar prints. yeah! woah!!!

nah, the coolest part is that the art is uber awesome. right??

CLICK HERE!!! for more info. and get your prints quick before the day of love has come and gone!

train travel

after my experience taking the train to southern california and back, i cannot recommend transit by rail highly enough. i loved it i loved it i loved it. the ride down to l.a. took 12.5 hours, so i anticipated antsyness and brought along a lot of reading material, but when we pulled into union station around midnight i just wished i had more time on the coast starlight, train #1111.

  

reasons why i fell in love with train travel:

• no baggage weight limits or costs, no security screenings, lots of storage area for bags
• toooons of legroom, foot rests, calf rests, head rests, armrests…
• outlets to charge my electronics
• the practically floor to ceiling windows in the scenic lounge car
• amazing views (the way down the main scenery was incredible canyons that we got to right at golden hour)

 

• train conductors in uniform walking down the aisles (and 2/3 of those i saw had white moustaches)
• the conductor making legitimately cool announcements (“we are now passing through the artichoke capital of california” … “the garlic capital of the world – can you smell that?” … “the strawberry capital of the country!” …  “and now we will experience a full solar eclipse” – as we go through a tunnel)
• the romantic, nostalgic feeling of it all
• the cafe downstairs from the scenic lounge, and the dining car (where i had an amazing dinner!)

• the sense of community and camaraderie – and meeting all kinds of people (in the dining car they practice “community dining,” which means if you are traveling alone you sure as heck aren’t eating alone, and i met the most amazing three women at my table; later on i had a nice long chat with a little-bit-drunk man who taught me a thing or two about politics, asked me some questions about religion, and then proceeded to try to give me a family heirloom that he carries with him wherever he goes, you know, as a token of our fast friendship)
• the whistle and the “all aboard!”
• the (corny but true) joy of the journey

yep, after those 12.5 hours, i was thoroughly sold on train travel.

the way home was equally as delightful, but broken up a little since i stopped over to spent a night in santa barbara. since the daylight hours were different, i got to see a whole other world while traveling north than i did while traveling south. first, we passed right by and through downtown l.a. …

… and then before too long the ocean filled up the windows. the views were seriously breathtaking.

my 24 hours in santa barbara were absolutely lovely, through and through. i loved seeing my mission companion sister jenks and reminiscing on many miracles, excruciatingly hard times and really funny moments we shared serving together. this girl is a remarkable individual, and one of the most genuinely wonderful people i know. as soon as we met up, she took me to a butterfly preserve right by the ocean where we saw thousands of monarchs – magical! and then we went out on the bluffs to watch the sunset.

it was one of those times when you say to yourself – “wait, is this real? this can’t possibly be real.” beauty so beautiful it feels like it’s from a different world. so unjustified by the iphone pictures…

 

while sarah (as they call her) went to work the next morning, i got to explore sb a little. i loved walking along east beach, eating breakfast at a seaside diner, driving through the hills and gasping to myself at the perfect views, and checking out the santa barbara mission. it couldn’t have been a more gorgeous day.

   

  

santa barbara has a such a great feel about it. quaint, warm, endearing.

after lunch with sarah, it was back to the train, and for the rest of the sunny of that day we winded right along the coast, night coming just as we headed a bit inland.

  

  

the whole two weeks in southern california and in transit just felt like such an authentic california adventure. i really loved riding the train.

p.s. (once again) this post is inspired by this post (and the idea to take a train in the first place was inspired by that girl). keri. is. rad.

the world stopped spinning

i spent the past week babysitting my brother’s three small children. i am a seeker of all kinds of adventures, and this was one like no other. a glimpse into the trump-all adventure of parenthood.

(i’ve experienced such glimpses before, but for some reason or another, this one was particularly poignant.)

among other things, i kissed owies better, tried to sooth choruses of screams when i really felt like screaming myself, changed the most world’s most epic stinky diaper (you are probably thinking, i have seen worse, but i honestly doubt it), drove to the elementary school in my nightgown, made a memory game and a chalkboard canvas out of the driveway, wiped up literally countless piles of spit-up, barely won the wrestling match in the pew during sacrament meeting, safely (but perhaps just barely) frequented the swimming pool and the school playground, sang lullabies and made pigtails and shook formula into bottles and desperately promised fruit snacks for good behavior.

every night when the kids went to sleep at 7:30, i was exhausted. knackered. it was fun, but there were flashes when the thought “i really can’t do this!” ran through my head. it was crazy and it was so hard. these kids are so adorable and so good - and it was only a week!

here is the naive and amazed question of my childlessness – how do parents do it?

in the same week that the incredulousness of this query showed up for me repeatedly, i found the answer. in a tiny flake of split-second bliss where i felt what i’m sure is just a small taste of a certain brand of golden, liquid joy preserved for moms and dads. this is an emotion that would absolutely, absolutely propel a parent to keep doing what i did (the past seven days) week in and week out, no matter how crazy things got. it was miraculously and magnificently energizing and empowering and motivating and so, so, so beautiful.

i was sitting on the beach at san juan capistrano. the sun was saying goodnight with simple yellows and that lightest of blues. mckay was digging, silhouetted in front of the shimmering waves, baby cubby was sitting nuzzled to my left side, and lyla stood in the sand holding my thumbs. i pumped my arms as her feet willowed into the beach and she giggled in the amber light. her hair was wispy. cubby’s body was warm. mckay radiated the plain happiness of childhood. the hairs on my arms stood on end. the world stopped spinning. just for a moment, just for that wildly beautiful moment. as if unable to contain such euphoria and such love.

soon came the whines and the spit-up and the encroaching night. the moment came and went, but maybe it will last me until i can have a similar but amplified experience with a child that is mine?

i thank heaven that god has put into us this extraordinary but so human ability to love.

more snapshots of the adventure:

one night we took a little hike near noah and kristi’s house. i thought it was a great idea. i had the baby in the baby carrier, the soft air of california evening was lovely, the kids were excited. we found fields of purple wildflowers and picked them and winded through the green hills and got to the top of one slope and sat down in a patch of flowers overlooking the valley. perfect. then – mckay started itching. and all heck broke loose. he must have been allergic to something in that idyllic patch – he frantically scratched and freaked out. “oh man! oh man! charity! i am a little bit worried that i have an itching disease!!!” we were far from home, it had turned chilly, lyla decided to get in on the freaking out. cubby just chilled in the baby carrier but gave a colossal spit-up about every 90 seconds. i had to apologize to mckay for getting a little mad, and then i coached him squealing and scratching and all the way home to a hot baking-soda bath. i prayed so hard that he didn’t have poison ivy, and the bath and some lotion did the trick. phew.

my view from the driver’s seat on the way to church. something about looking back at the kids in the review mirror just melts my heart. sheesh those are cute and sweet kids.

the big pay-off was that after noah and kristi got home, they let me use their season passes and take mckay to disneyland. it was so fun. i nearly forgot how genuinely magical and truly fun disneyland is. we had a blast.

it was a fantastic, stretching, exciting, tiring, happy week.

more than anything in the whole wide world, i desire those parent moments of incalculable love. this is my greatest life ambition.