state bird provisions

i’ve heard a lot of buzz about a new restaurant in the city that has been named the best new restaurant in the country and one of the best restaurants in the entire world. so much buzz, in fact, that eating at state bird provisions in san francisco has made it all the way onto my life bucket list.

it is impossible to get a reservation at this place. i’ve checked the website probably a hundred times, and there is always no availability. this sense of unattainability just makes the restaurant all that more alluring.

state bird provisions recently closed for renovations, and reopened the week before kelsey’s birthday (kelsey, my dear partner in foodie adventures, has also been super duper itching to try it). with the reopen came a pledge to reserve some tables for walk-ins. hallelujah! a perfect chance to experience an unreal meal in celebration of kelsey’s birthday!

kelsey went to the restaurant at 4pm on the day before her birthday and waited on the street outside the front door for an hour and a half until it opened. she was the third in line and there were dozens behind her. i raced up from san jose to meet her, and did just in the nick of the time, at the chef’s counter.

and.
let’s just say it was definitely worth the hype.

the food is served dim-sum style – waiters come around with carts and trays with lots of different small plates to try – and we tried nearly one of everything. i wish i would have written down (and taken pictures of!) all of the incredible creations we sampled – everything from thai-style pork belly to buttery biscuits with duck liver spread to lobster salsa to steak tartar with potato chips to the crown jewel: fried quail (california’s state bird) with provisions. we were just dying over everything the whole time. it was neat to sit at the bar and watch the chefs, and the atmosphere matched the edibles in just sheer coolness.

i daresay it was the best meal experience of my life to date!

we finished off the night with an amazing dessert and a shot each of the restaurant’s celebrated world peace peanut milk. it was like golden heaven in a lil baby glass. holy yum.

deeelicious check off on the bucket list.

 

a lot of pumpkins

a couple of weekends ago, my bosom friend julie came to town! on friday night, i met up with julie, her friend elise (who i became fast friends with) and our friend christyn, who just moved to the bay area, at the firepits at the ritz carlton in half moon bay. although the fog meant no visible sunset, a bagpiper played for half an hour to usher in the nighttime and it was magical! we had such a great time catching up and making fancy s’mores around the fire.

julie and elise slept over, and on saturday morning we headed back to half moon bay for the town’s annual pumpkin festival. when julie visited me a few years ago we went to this event together, and it was even better this year. it really got me in the spirit of autumn.

julie put this pumpkin in front of her face for a cute little picture when we first got to the festival. and then since we had started, we just couldn’t stop…
we found some interesting types of pumpkins…
 
a plastic pumpkin and a glass pumpkin…
 
ate pumpkin pancakes and pumpkin pie…
  
….and pumpkin mac n cheese and a pumpkin smoothie…
 
found all kinds of pumpkin paraphernalia…
 
…and ate some more pumpkiny food like pumpkin ice cream and a pumpkin roll…
 
and stopped to check out some other unique gourds before the end of the day.
  

we got quite a kick out of all these pictures of julie as a pumpkin head. maybe you had to be there?

the festival was really crowded and really fun. the weather was beautiful as the mystical morning fog burned off. i loved exploring everything with julie and elise.

at noon there was a pumpkin parade down half moon bay’s main street. it was charming.
we were so excited when we saw the prize-winning giant pumpkin come by and a darling little girl we’d met a the firepits the night before on top of the float! she was so excited to recognize us.

and yep, that’s right, the biggest pumpkin of the year weighed in at a whopping 1,985 pounds. that’s a big pumpkin.

we walked down the parade route at the end, which was a fun and easier way to get through the crowds!

hooray for pumpkins and for autumn!

re: heartbreak and heartache

i was so moved by the comments left on this post, about my broken heart. not only did you, dear dear readers, forgive my melodrama, but you left amazingly insightful and tender responses that sincerely inspired and uplifted me. the thread of thoughts that was left is full of goodness and wisdom and is a striking snippet example of the beauty of human connection. it’s incredible to me how we can all relate, despite great difference in background, location, life experience – i mean, really, isn’t that just so so beautiful?! truly, your comments are a treasure trove that i will go back to again and again whenever i or someone i love is hurting. thank you for sharing.

i wanted to add to those comments by contributing some things that have been shared with me by those who know me well. it feels right to have these thoughts collected in one place.

i wish this didn't have to feel so painful, but then again, your depth of emotion, your passion is one of your greatest qualities. be grateful for it even as it rips you open. be grateful you can be ripped open. not everyone can. the beauty of this whole thing is, you will heal. and you'll be stronger. 

just cry when you need to. not every day is the worst, but some are, and it's ok. as time goes on, the really awful days become less and less frequent. even though right now is truly, truly awful, it will not always be this way. it will all be worth it someday, truly.

hang in there.  i know the lord has amazing things in store for you.  how could he not?  you're one of the most blessable people i know!

yes i loved, and i lost, and it was so painful, but i can still move forward. it doesn't mean it was not painful if i move forward. it just means, i'm moving.

keep on surviving. embrace this process of grief. being sad is different from grief. to be sad is an emotion, to grieve is a conscious act. 

rest on the comfort that you feel from the love of your family. you can rely on us for a little while until you find the right guy. keep striving.

just keep doing all that and hoping and exercising faith in the atonement and you will come out stronger and things will get clearer. i really believe they will, no matter how black the darkness. remember: god is aware. and all powerful. and jesus can make everything beautiful.

loving someone is never wasted. that love was good for both of you.

you are resilient, you are strong, and you are learning more from this than any of us will realize for a while. pain hollows out the heart so that it has an increased capacity for joy.

hang in there baby! it's going to work out for the best. you just have to that faith and trust in the lord. whatever happens is going to be much better than you had planned. promise! 

it was the worst time of my life. but i often found myself startled by the clarity of beautiful things, by the love and kindness of friends and strangers, and by the rare but distinct appearance of hope, popping up when i least expected it.

i feel like i am swimming through molasses – it’s so sticky and takes so much effort to move forward. but the density of the substance i’m moving through is rich and golden. the awful days and the not awful days are deepening and sweetening me.

i am experiencing the clarity of beautiful things mentioned in that last thought above frequently. a few days ago i found this song (below) and it cut right through to my bones. as i listened, i couldn’t be still. i stood and danced to the music in my pajamas in the small space of open carpet in my bedroom. it felt so so good to my body to dance. that was a tiny experience i bottled up to keep me moving forward through the heartbreaking gold, and there have been beautiful others.

hope is alive and buzzing in me. and so it should be.

look, the trees
are turning
their own bodies
into pillars

of light,
are giving off the rich
fragrance of cinnamon
and fulfillment,

the long tapers
of cattails
are bursting and floating away over
the blue shoulders

of the ponds,
and every pond,
no matter what its
name is, is
nameless now.

every year
everything
i have ever learned

in my lifetime
leads back to this: the fires
and the black river of loss
whose other side

is salvation,
whose meaning
none of us will ever know.
to live in this world

you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it

against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go.

-mary oliver

good long life, good deep love

celebrating grandma ruthie’s life together was wonderful. on sunday night we all gathered in the church grandma went to every sunday for decades prepartion for the funeral service, for a family dinner, and for the viewing. it was neat to all be together and to meet some of grandma’s friends from many years past. it was particularly wonderful to meet elder cook, who in his youth was greatly impacted by my grandpa dean. 

here are grandma’s children then…

and now…

after the viewing, all of ruth’s posterity gathered at her beloved home on 5th north. i have a million memories in that house, which was very carefully designed by grandma herself. we all crammed in the living room and shared memories. the air was thick with love and gratitude and laughter and tenderness.

we found some treasures in the house, like the puzzles grandma made by hand (each grandchild took one home), the kitchenware we remembered eating so many simple meals with, old games and toys grandma loved to share with us, and ruth and dean’s college yearbooks. i completely melted over this letter from my grandpa to my grandma, written in 1941.

there was such a beautiful, hallowed feeling in that home that night.

on monday morning before the funeral began i loved seeing these dancing pictures that a second cousin had brought. grandma ruthie is in the middle in both pictures. isn’t she so visibly full of light and goodness?

the funeral was so so awesome. my incredibly talented cousins made the most gorgeous music, and dad and his siblings paid superb tributes. we were also lucky to hear from an apostle – elder perry went to high school with grandma and left us with powerful remarks that made the room stir with the spirit of god. as i sang with my cousins – til we meet at jesus’ feet – i just felt so sure of the reality of god’s eternal plan for his children and so sure that that meeting at jesus’ feet will be more glorious than we could ever, ever imagine.

the cemetery was chilly but briskly pretty, and the fleshly half of grandma’s soul was laid right next to grandpa’s.

there is human intensity when death touches you close, like it has in the past few weeks for me, no matter the circumstances. i’m really really really grateful and humbled that grandma had a good long life full of good deep love, and that i am part of her legacy.

{thanks for the pictures, shawni.}
{and deepest, deepest thanks for the incredible comments left on a heartbreaking post. i can’t tell you how tremendously blessed i have felt from that beautiful beautiful outreach. many more thanks from me coming next.}

the original eleven

it was really special to be with my parents and eight siblings in utah. i don’t think we’ve had such a gathering of just the original eleven of us since before shawni was married 18 years ago. i have absolutely the coolest most awesome in-laws and of course the best best best nieces and nephews ever, but it was neat to have time with just mom and dad, brothers and sisters. i can’t believe how blessed i am to have them.

after some wonderful friday night reunions with the early-comers, the girls went to pick up shawni (who brought her gracie with her) at the airport and had a little sisters’ brunch in downtown salt lake.

 

then we met the boys and went on a hike in our parents’ glorious mountain backyard. we talked about all kinds of deep and beautiful things. there’s quite nothing i love more than stimulating conversations with my siblings and parents.

  

by saturday night, everyone’s planes had finally made it in. we made cookies and sat in the great room and there was so much love between us. we all stayed up until nearly 2am talking and laughing. it was just some kind of the best brand of magic. on sunday morning we had a big beautiful breakfast all together, and then some priesthood blessings were given. oh how i love my faithful, solid, good (not to mention incredibly fun and funny) brothers and dad.
 


on sunday afternoon we drove up north for grandma’s funeral. logan is really the place where the original eleven started – when mom and dad got engaged on top of the “a” tower:

it’s where grandma ruthie and grandpa dean also courted and married, and where we visited grandma so very many times. it will always be a sacred place for me.

{more on the funeral in the next post}

after the viewing on sunday night, we had to make a late-night wendy’s run. we were all really tired and a little slap-happy which made for quite a hilarious night. we enjoyed frosties and fries in our hotel room and it was just like the old days – brothers sleeping on the floors and siblings sharing beds. fantastic sibling slumber party.

some of us had to dash off right after the funeral on monday to catch flights home. we smooshed into one car – again, just like old times (except back in the day we had a 12 passenger van, which still felt smooshy).



i just can’t believe how blessed i am to have them.


my dad always tells us to laugh in pictures. so we get lots like this…