re: heartbreak and heartache

i was so moved by the comments left on this post, about my broken heart. not only did you, dear dear readers, forgive my melodrama, but you left amazingly insightful and tender responses that sincerely inspired and uplifted me. the thread of thoughts that was left is full of goodness and wisdom and is a striking snippet example of the beauty of human connection. it’s incredible to me how we can all relate, despite great difference in background, location, life experience – i mean, really, isn’t that just so so beautiful?! truly, your comments are a treasure trove that i will go back to again and again whenever i or someone i love is hurting. thank you for sharing.

i wanted to add to those comments by contributing some things that have been shared with me by those who know me well. it feels right to have these thoughts collected in one place.

i wish this didn't have to feel so painful, but then again, your depth of emotion, your passion is one of your greatest qualities. be grateful for it even as it rips you open. be grateful you can be ripped open. not everyone can. the beauty of this whole thing is, you will heal. and you'll be stronger. 

just cry when you need to. not every day is the worst, but some are, and it's ok. as time goes on, the really awful days become less and less frequent. even though right now is truly, truly awful, it will not always be this way. it will all be worth it someday, truly.

hang in there.  i know the lord has amazing things in store for you.  how could he not?  you're one of the most blessable people i know!

yes i loved, and i lost, and it was so painful, but i can still move forward. it doesn't mean it was not painful if i move forward. it just means, i'm moving.

keep on surviving. embrace this process of grief. being sad is different from grief. to be sad is an emotion, to grieve is a conscious act. 

rest on the comfort that you feel from the love of your family. you can rely on us for a little while until you find the right guy. keep striving.

just keep doing all that and hoping and exercising faith in the atonement and you will come out stronger and things will get clearer. i really believe they will, no matter how black the darkness. remember: god is aware. and all powerful. and jesus can make everything beautiful.

loving someone is never wasted. that love was good for both of you.

you are resilient, you are strong, and you are learning more from this than any of us will realize for a while. pain hollows out the heart so that it has an increased capacity for joy.

hang in there baby! it's going to work out for the best. you just have to that faith and trust in the lord. whatever happens is going to be much better than you had planned. promise! 

it was the worst time of my life. but i often found myself startled by the clarity of beautiful things, by the love and kindness of friends and strangers, and by the rare but distinct appearance of hope, popping up when i least expected it.

i feel like i am swimming through molasses – it’s so sticky and takes so much effort to move forward. but the density of the substance i’m moving through is rich and golden. the awful days and the not awful days are deepening and sweetening me.

i am experiencing the clarity of beautiful things mentioned in that last thought above frequently. a few days ago i found this song (below) and it cut right through to my bones. as i listened, i couldn’t be still. i stood and danced to the music in my pajamas in the small space of open carpet in my bedroom. it felt so so good to my body to dance. that was a tiny experience i bottled up to keep me moving forward through the heartbreaking gold, and there have been beautiful others.

hope is alive and buzzing in me. and so it should be.

look, the trees
are turning
their own bodies
into pillars

of light,
are giving off the rich
fragrance of cinnamon
and fulfillment,

the long tapers
of cattails
are bursting and floating away over
the blue shoulders

of the ponds,
and every pond,
no matter what its
name is, is
nameless now.

every year
everything
i have ever learned

in my lifetime
leads back to this: the fires
and the black river of loss
whose other side

is salvation,
whose meaning
none of us will ever know.
to live in this world

you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it

against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go.

-mary oliver