mindful eating

everyone who’s had pretty much any interaction with me in the last two years knows that i only eat sweets on holidays. i tell everyone about this little rule because it keeps me accountable. yes, i am liberal with my holidays (flag day totally counts! and my goodness, vive la france on bastille day!) and i occasionally push the limit on what is considered a “sweet,” but for the most part, i’ve been non-holiday dessert free for over 750 days. and i’m pretty proud of myself.

here’s the thing. i have had an actually very legitimate addiction to sugar in my lifetime. truly, i dare you to find someone with a bigger sweet tooth. i knew i needed some sort of framework to rein it in when i realized one evening, feeling quite ill sucking on a waxy sweedish fish, that i’d bought and single-handedly consumed an entire bag of candy every single day that week. so i decided – sweets only on holidays. and i’ve been empowered by this choice and have impressed myself with my devotion to it. and when those holidays roll around, do i ever enjoy my treats!

{side note – my first birthday after going sweet-free, i ate an entire pinata of candy. seriously. i let my niece and nephew each have a couple of pieces of candy and conquered the rest on my own. the next day on the way to work i had to pull over on the side of the road to throw up in the gutter. lesson learned. now i’m careful to not go hog wild on holidays!}

though i’m quite proud of my ability to turn down sweets, i have realized that my somehow compulsive need (and really, love) for gluttony has gravitated me towards other indulgences. a whole bag of nuts or peanut-butter-filled pretzels…or seconds and thirds at a party because hey, i didn’t have any cake! i find myself stuffing myself with non-sweets, which pretty much cancels out the health benefits and the self-control empowerment from cutting sweets out!

so i’ve decided to work on learning to always savor my meals, to slowly relish the sensations of taste, to never eat just for the sake of eating without enjoying the experience, to practice mindful eating. my body and my brain can strike beautiful harmonies if i connect them together like cogs in my mortal clock.

twelve days ago i started a 28-day challenge as a kick start to de-toxify my body and begin engraining healthy, savoring habits. week one i ate only fruits, vegetables and nuts and this week i’ve added in legumes, soy and fish. i’m very conscious about everything i consume, both type and portion, and i’m letting my taste buds process and bask in sensation. i’m thinking about my attitude toward food and how it effects my mood, about the genius of all the tastes and colors and textures that god has provided, and a lot about will-power and self-discipline.

yes, i’ve found many life lessons from mindful eating – i’ve pondered on and learned about the power of giving up a fleeting desire for a greater goal, about the correlation of feeling with action, about the great negative power of exceptions, about how it’s okay to keep starting over if we are indeed starting over and improving, and about how not only taste but all other sensations can and should be savored, how moments and relationships and views should be relished.

twelve days down and sixteen to go – and they say a habit is created at twenty-one, right? i’m determined to build a lifestyle of mindful eating and to allow those sensibilities to bleed into a lifestyle of overall savoring.

summer social

add “innosight institute team social chair” to my resume! the vote was unanimous at the office, and my first charge was planning a “summer social” for last friday.

you better believe i made pretty invitations…

the weather could not have been more gloriously perfect that friday on the coast. our ride along the craggy bluffs over the shimmering sea was enlivening and scenic. to be out of the office together under the azure sky felt heavenly!

we had fun dinner conversation over lobster rolls and clam chowder overlooking the ocean. i love half moon bay and i am so grateful for such an awesome team of co-workers.

change and inspiration

i thrive on change. i love moving to a new place and starting a new life. hence my seeming inability to stay put for more than a year…. there is just something so refreshing about starting over, about a clean slate, about an opportunity to be my best self in a new situation.

and at this very point in my life, i’m craving change so profoundly. i’m feeling full of small living and in the truest need of the spark of something different. however, i’m resisting the impulse to pack up and jet out and externally transform my life, at least for a little while. i feel that i need to stick with where i am and what i am doing, that this is my time to learn about persevering and changing internally without changing externally.

because isn’t it way more powerful to create a blank slate out of willpower rather than circumstance? to seize the opportunity to be better even when surroundings seem not very conducive? i think so. but for me, internal change is a lot harder than external change, and requires a lot of determination.

to help myself find happiness in my current itching-for-change life, i’ve decided to devote a month to practicing more self-discipline and adjusting my habits. i’ve created a list of rules to abide by for this month, and the hope is that publishing them on my blog will help me be accountable for them!

rules:
-always take the stairs at my office building
-read five work-related articles each day
-read one non-work-related stimulating article each day
-no computer usage after 10pm
-listen to music on the way to work every morning
-take a walk outside every afternoon
-exercise for one hour every day
-no exceptions or deviations from mindful eating plan (more about this later)
-read scriptures (and write down impressions) every morning before 9am
-leave my phone in the car during church or other activities i could be distracted from
-don’t multitask
-talk to my parents on the phone every week
-clean room and make bed every morning
-sleep at least seven hours every night
-find/read/watch one thing inspirational each day
…here’s one example:

the world is just awesome. and even when life feels hard and i want circumstances to be different, i can find power within myself to change, to change and be glad.

i want a baby

i want a baby.

more than anything, anything, anything. i want to be a mother. i want to give birth. i want to experience that first miraculous moment of skin-to-skin with a human that is half me and half someone i love with  deep, deep love. a human that grew inside me. one that i exerted the pinnacle of mortal physical effort to bring into the world.

i want to be spit up on and change diapers and have hundreds of baby-cry-induced sleepless nights, and then i want to fall asleep with my child, my very own, snoozing on my chest. i want to look into the glossy eyes of a newborn to whom i personally gifted dna, whose veins have me running through them. i want to hold, cozy and tender and supple in my arms, a tiny body containing the spirit of one who has anticipated arrival to me as mother from the heavens.

i want to struggle and ache and worry and hurt, and i want to be frustrated and exasperated and exhausted and harrowed – as a mother. i want a tattered body and frazzled mind and tired spirit – because i’ve spent as a mother. and i want to experience moments of golden, amber, honey love that make it all worth it.

i want to watch, feeling wonderstruck, my baby meet my parents, my brothers and sisters, my dear friends, and, eventually, his or her older siblings. i want to wade through chaos and screaming and messes. i want to get my kids ready for the first day of school, and set up lemonade stands on the corner, and fruitlessly deal with tantrums, and be kissed on the cheek by little sleepy lips and squeezed by little chubby arms at bedtime. 

i know i can’t imagine how authentically hard it is to be a mother. but i think i can imagine, in some itty bitty effulgent slivers, how wonderful it is to be a mother.

indeed, motherhood is my life dream. and i feel so excruciatingly that motherhood is my life mission. 

photo is of my nephew peter, taken by my sister saydi
more from me about craving motherhood here and here

bean town reunion

the six of us girls were all studying in boston at the same time (wellesley, harvard, bu, tufts, wellesley, tufts). it was so fun to have a little reunion on saturday over mission tacos and bi-rite ice cream. krystal was in town from new york city and lauren just moved here from minneapolis! these are inspiring, incredible women.

i cannot believe it has been nearly five years since i left boston. so much has happened. friendship is such a welcome constant.

snapshots

brittany, a bay-area native, asked me to take her on a tour of san francisco.
i of course obliged and told her to pick a few things she wanted to see.
pacific heights mansions + moraga street stairs (a new place for me!) + golden gate park dahlia garden + baker beach + chinatown + secret rooftop + mission murals = fantastic choices.
we met up with some other friends, and the morning fog gave way,
i felt particularly picture-snappy and overexcited, and it was a marvelous day.

           

my favourite bit was the moraga street stairs because it was new.
i want to devote my next saturday in the city to places i’ve never been.

it really is the best city in the world

i spent all day last saturday in san francisco. as the fog rolled out in the late morning and the sun soaked the hills, i remembered how i felt when i first moved to the city by the bay. i just want to give the city a huge hug and kiss it on the cheek.

{p.s. i just want to go on the record as recognizing that yes, i am fully aware that i am super overdramatic and excessively excitable. i’m chuckling at the exorbitance with you. but gosh, life’s shades are beautiful, and a deep belief in full living just throws my arms open and brings those tears to my eyes quite inadvertently.} 

i felt really picture snappy on saturday – so many more photos to come!

political celebrities

yesterday the governor of north carolina came into the office for some meetings about innovation in education policy. with this distinguished guest and her posse visiting, it was quite the exciting day around our new digs. meeting governor bev perdue reminded me of my other brushes with political celebrities.

in 2005, i interned at the office of senator orrin g. hatch.

did you know that senator hatch is a songwriter? one of his songs is a hip-hop hanukkah song. keep in mind that he was born in 1934 and he’s a mormon. also, he looooves sweet potato fries. he ordered about a half a dozen platters of them at our intern dinner in the senate dining room. also, he has been a senator for thirty six years. thirty six. last also – i look like such a baby in these pictures – can’t believe my dc summer was seven years ago!

during my summer gig working in the senate, my fellow interns and i made flashcards to learn the faces, names, parties and states of all 100 senators. that way, when we saw them in the halls or on the underground tram between buildings, we’d know who they were! i remember squawking a friendly hello in passing to many senators, including john kerry and hilary clinton.

after flipping through those flashcards so many, many times, it was easy for us to determine the best looking senator. and obviously we called his office and asked if we could meet him. our clear pick was a senator from south dakota (yep, south dakota) and i don’t have the faintest idea what his name is anymore.

there was a lot of buzz around capitol hill that summer about a certain young senator from illinois. some people said they thought for sure he’d be the first black president. my fellow hatch intern sarah was a harvard student, and when she got an invitation for a meet-up for harvard interns with barak obama, i knew i had to go with her. even if it took pretending i went to harvard. which was fun.

yep, i’ve totally met the president of the united states. and the good news is, even if barry gets kicked out of the oval office come november, i’ll still have met the president of the united states. (phew!) i’m just bugged because i can’t find any old pictures from the three or four times i’ve met mitt romney.

anyway, back to excitement at the innosight institute office yesterday. i have really awesome colleagues. i work with some of the smartest people on earth.

to round off 46 hours full of people i love…

…i spent my utah sunday at church, in milcreek canyon picnicking with dani and keri and other cool kids, at a random park in between salt lake and ogden with my sister and niece, in front of the temple sunset with nikki, and in the lobby of my parents’ building for a quick hug and hello before dashing to the airport.
i sure packed places and people i adore into my quick utah weekend.